


agape

by redtempest



Category: Poetry - Fandom
Genre: im a really sappy person so these poems are probably about love or traumatic experiences
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:49:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 2,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23591863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redtempest/pseuds/redtempest
Summary: poems that come to me in the dead of night.
Kudos: 3





	1. lover.

i saw you in a dream many years ago. eyes bright and smile wide, you set my heart ablaze as your laugh echoed in the wind. pure and melodic, never ending. 


	2. my description of mental illness.

there’s a deep howling in my heart that echoes across the crevices of my soul. it aches every hour of the day, never providing solace. the older i become and the more i breathe the deeper the howling spreads, soon it will consume my entire being. 

it hurts. it has always hurt. i hope death feels like going home. 


	3. sour romance.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the painful process of healing after an abusive relationship.

i never knew it was possible to feel alone while in the presence of another person until i met you. 

you would act soft and nice in public, feeding people compliments and making them feel special. but despite the fact that i was your lover, someone who you should’ve cared and provided for, you gave me nothing but bad dreams and seldom tears. our love was like a knife, slicing me in half each day. 

it’s almost been a year since we broke apart. i don’t love you anymore, and i’m starting to believe i never did. 

thank you for letting me go.


	4. attention seeker.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nothing is ever enough for me.

i have always felt a deep loneliness, so vast that it made my bones rot whenever i didn’t receive enough attention. even if the attention i got was filled with pain or filth i didn’t mind, i just needed people to look at me. to notice me. to know that i exist. 

but no matter how many times i am hugged or held like a child, it is never enough. nothing i receive is ever enough for my battered soul, and slowly but surely it will one day grow so strong that it will make the other parts of me cease to exist. 

i am so needy and alone. and as the years pass this hole inside me gets larger and so does the hurt. 

please spare me, i just want to be loved.


	5. i will bare my teeth at the wind.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no one will ever hurt me again.

from the moment i was robbed of options i decided to go feral. if i am mean and brutal no one will hurt me, no one will see me as weak enough to take advantage of again. i will not allow it. 

in the end everyone has cruel intentions.


	6. almost.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> even though it’s over, i’m glad it happened.

for a long time you were one of the best people i knew. your eyes were a gateway to everything that i had ever wanted in my life, and as i looked in them i could see a future. a reality where i could wake up each day in the arms of a person who loved me for my soul. 

even now after months of not being able to hear your voice or feel the tenderness of having a lover, i’m certain that we were made for each other. we just did it wrong.

i’ll always remember you.


	7. longing for a time that doesn’t exist.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i still dream about the people lost in my memory, fabricated by my nostalgia and romanticized by my broken heart.

growing up i never liked photographs. i thought it was pointless to take a picture of something that would most likely become insignificant in the future, or just a memory lost within time. 

but as i got older and started to lose people, i realized that photographs help you keep a memory alive even after it’s gone, especially if it took place in a time when you were your best self. happy and free with no care to what anyone thought about you. 

to this day i’m glad i photographed the people who i used to love. because in those photos they were the person that i would’ve given the world to, someone that fulfilled my life before they changed to people that i now don’t recognize. even if the person in that photograph doesn’t exist anymore, the memory of them will always remain.

it’s nice to have one last piece of a time where i was at my highest, that way i can look back and hope i am able to feel it again someday.


	8. how my mother helped my self harm addiction grow.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you only cared once i was hanging between life and death.

i don’t remember what it’s like to feel safe in my mothers arms. 

im certain there was a time period when i did, long ago when i wouldn’t flinch every time she raised her hand or recoil if her voice raised a bit in range. 

thinking about my late childhood i can only describe pain. my mother had so much anger over her failed relationship and job that she took it out on my young self, and as a child who only wanted for their mom to feel at her best i let it happen without a fight. i still loved her even when her slap sent me flying to the floor, i still loved her when she threatened to kill me after saying i was the worst thing that ever happened to her. 

the abuse left more scars on my mentality then it did on my physique. my body recovered but my heart never did. 

my mother payed no mind to the changes in me. she didn’t notice how i started to wear long sleeves, or how every time i came out of my room it would be with a weary expression and tear stained eyes. she didn’t seem to care once the blood started to cross through the material of my clothes, either. 

she only accepted that i wasn’t okay once my addiction began to get more serious and painful. i still remember the look how her face when i came back from school with hands covered in my own shame.


	9. cold hands warm soul.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i found death. i found him in a lover.

_we are sinners, you and i._ your words hold a deeper meaning than you portrayed them to be, but i don’t dwell on them for too long knowing that the time between us is always cut short. 

_but i feel the most alive when i am with you._ your expression softens and i suddenly find myself wanting to lean into the arms of death so i could look at your face forever. until existence consumes us all. 

_if i have to sin to feel what i feel at this very moment, i will become one of gods greatest fears._ your hand leans to my face as i feel myself drifting deeper into slumber, with only thoughts of you consuming my head. 

and as your face started to fade away i realized that what people have said is untrue, death has the warmest embrace. 


	10. a tale as old as time.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> how lucky am i to share the same soul as you.

according to an old myth, your face resembles the person you loved the most in your past life. 

and as i began to notice the similarities between us i knew that we were once each other’s greatest loss.


	11. the pain of knowing you’ve changed.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> how is this fair?

your name is whispered somewhere in the wind and my hands start to shake. i swear i can feel my soul cry out to the parts of me that no longer exist, because of what i let you do to me. 

it burns and twists me inside and out. this pain feels as if it could bring me to the edge of death just to pull me back and laugh as i plea for freedom. how can someone so young feel this way? 

my skin starts to itch with the need to rip it apart. i want a new body. i want to be clean again. 

i would trade anything just to be reborn into a body that is pure and unused. the pain of breathing filth maims me even as i get older and the memories of you get harder to recognize. i should be fine now, but why am i not? 

maybe it’s because it’s not the thought of you that hurts, it’s the realization that my body will never be mine again. the soul that i bare has been stolen and replaced with something so ugly, so unlovable. the tension in my throat and chest never fades. i want to vomit. i feel sick. 

the people i love are not able to look at me anymore, the filth reeks off of me. it’s almost as if my old self was buried in my backyard.


	12. how unfortunate.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it is truly a horrible and violent way to feel.

the difficulties of having a friend with a loving family is while you’re happy that they have such a good environment to grow in, you’re bitter over the fact that you didn’t get that privilege. and once you go to your house that realization starts to dawn in even more. you are one of the unfortunate ones.

one particular incident that stuck with me is when the parent of my friend began talking about how much they love their child, and how everyone in the family would give everything up just so they could be happy. i tried to keep my composure and smile, but bitterness started to perturbe through my expression. envy consumed my entire being and the deep hole in my chest that was a result of my neglectful family grew as the parent continued to speak.

they eventually noticed my discomfort and asked if something was wrong. having known this person for a while i knew that i could rely on them, so i began to talk about my household and family issues. their expression grew into one of immense sadness that it was almost impossible for me not to notice the tension growing in the room. i eventually noticed that my problems were way more severe than i had thought they were.

“would you trade your wealth for a loving family?” they asked. my expression grew somber. 

“who wouldn’t?” 

as silence grew around the room the realization of how tragic my life has been started to set in even more. and i ached. my past self cried for their lost childhood. everything just began to hurt.


	13. everything he is and everything he wasn’t.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the past leaks everywhere i go.

you are such a soft and gentle thing. you are the embodiment of everything i have ever wanted, but never had until now. i wasn’t ready when i met you and i’m still not. 

sometimes i wonder what would’ve happen if i had met you before all the rest. maybe loving me would’ve been more simple, with less restless nights and days when i can’t be happy for reasons that are too complicated to form into words. i’m a wall filled with spikes and you are a garden of roses, trying to grow beneath my tiles. 

the worst part is you’ve done nothing wrong. it’s not your fault i search for him in your laugh and eyes, or when i try to trace any bit of malice within your love confessions. you are only loud when you are singing, or screaming over a new video game you bought just so i can watch you play it. in a way that makes all of this so much more difficult. 

and it’s not your fault. it’s not your fault that you are an un-swung axe.


	14. same eyes in different people.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everytime i remember what happened i turn my face away. i want to cry.

your hands felt cold around my neck. if i closed my eyes hard enough i could almost see my mother standing right in your place, with dead eyes and a wicked smile.


	15. is life a gift or a curse?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> to be born is to suffer.

the sad part of having an unfulfilling childhood is that in the end you never develop in the same way the other kids do. while everyone learns how to mature and embrace adulthood you are stuck in a cave of bitterness, wondering how you are supposed to grow up if you never even got a chance to be a kid. how can you greet the unknown with open arms if your life before this wasn't even clear enough for you to experience. 

instead you get shoved into the arms of growth and a forced to adapt to its cold hands around your neck. your body starts to change and men begin to notice the smallest details, you start to be treated like a slab of meat rather than a human soul. 

life is unfair in the way it shows no mercy to those around it. life doesn't care if you are a small child or an elderly person, it will drown you in the lake of sorrow as you beg for air. the only time you get to experience warmth is when death decides to hold your hand, and take you somewhere far away from life's cruel and unruly home called planet earth. sadly enough this is what most people long and hope for. to be free. 

no one chooses to exist and yet we all get the same outcome.


	16. memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so tired. so tired. so tired.

how unfortunate it is 

to wake up with the remains of your past 

dripping like black mold across your skin.


	17. yearning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so close yet so far.

how tragic it is to love someone   
you cannot touch  
(i think that is a sad reality.)


End file.
